My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
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Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Breaking news:
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
smh
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story