Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
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ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.