BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
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I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
prepare for carbonated trouble
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*