Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
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I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.