[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
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adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.