FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
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so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?