You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
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If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.