Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
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[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
The French word for sex is croissant.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.