DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
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*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.