*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
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*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy