me: why does my back hurt
also me:
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landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
dogs can find happiness so easily
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.