Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
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Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
I drew y’all a little something.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Great game to play with friends
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.