BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
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Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?