*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
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[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation