OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
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I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Well, this is awkward
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at