DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
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[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Based Erika
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.