Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
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R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Not today.. 😂
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day