Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
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Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
[montage of me giving-up]
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.