Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
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REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search