My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
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He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees