how it started vs how it ended
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I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
i’m sure it’s fine
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Unexpected Judgment
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”