After 35, your body ages in dog years
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Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.