Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
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interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.