“and you are November’s PM yes?”
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Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.