My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
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If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.