I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
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Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold