[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
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Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.