its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
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If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
happy friday
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression