I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
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Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.