If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
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If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It鈥檚 a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you鈥檙e square. all comes down to who鈥檚 the faster cyclist
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Take your husband鈥檚 last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You鈥檙e the husband now.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 馃槉
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa鈥檚 ex-boyfriends.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 馃檨
Before we start our poker night, I鈥檇 like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out