Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
You Might Also Like
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
my one true gender
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.