[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
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Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
This might be the funniest tweet ever
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.