me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
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Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.