all i want is to be as happy as this potato
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I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
I’m calling the cops.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now