When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
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Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
having children is a pyramid scheme.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
finally found a reasonable question
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*