Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
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Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.