I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
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thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.