HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
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weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.