Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
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8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low