I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
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I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head