me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
You Might Also Like
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Succinctly put.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I am HOWLING at this
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners