There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
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If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”