[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
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SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
all that yoga finally paid off
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
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