that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
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Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
S/o to @funTweeters .
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.