“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
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I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
🤭😂
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.