It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
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If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments