I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
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If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Home #decor warning.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”