Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
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Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…