carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
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Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
*ernest hemingway voice*
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts