OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
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Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
The days of good grammer has went
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one